How much cleaning do I need to do to be a real woman?
Television depicts squeaky clean, cute homes where dishes never seem to need washing. Women’s magazines showcase dust-free living rooms with perfectly up-to-date furniture. Nobody ever has clutter or an unmade bed—ever. I have understood since I was a child that in order to have femininity, my house would need to be perfect.
So two hours per day? That would seem to do it.
But here’s the thing—I like relaxing for two hours instead of cleaning. I like to enjoy a glass of wine and an episode or two of The Mindy Project.
So I’ll make a deal with you—I’ll do some other womanly things if you cut down on my cleaning requirement.
How about I eat more chocolate? I already eat some, but I’d be happy to eat a little more if you give me a break. How about for every 100 extra calories of chocolate, 15 minutes less of cleaning. So if I eat 2 chocolate bars per night, we can cut it down to an hour of cleaning a day.
How about I look at more cute animal and baby videos instead of watching the news, like I should? My news consumption is dangerously low already, but I’d be happy to fit in an extra video or two of fluffy kittens or breakdancing toddlers. So if I do that twice more per day instead of looking at my Twitter news feed, I think that’s worth about a half hour more of cleaning.
Okay, so there’s a half hour left, which is a lot more feasible. But…it would be nice to watch one more episode of The Mindy Project. The dishes can wait until tomorrow…or the weekend. What other girly things can I do?
How about this—I will buy new clothing with verve, only to get sick of it four months later? I can easily spend more time feeling frustrated with my wardrobe, if only for less cleaning.
So then, my cleaning regimen comes down to:
frantically wiping the grime out of the bathroom before company comes,
doing my dishes just enough to stave off pestilence,
and vacuuming the cat hair when I can no longer see my carpet?
I think I can handle that. As long as I’m still a woman.
Drinking tonight: David Ayikoshi 2013 Moscato.